Foreword / by Dan Castellaneta -- Introduction / by Dick Van Dyke -- Prologue: Inauguration Day -- One Man's Reality -- Sifting Through Sand -- Head of the Family -- A Basket Full of Scripts -- Fall Guy -- Casting Calls -- The girl with three names -- Nervous wrecks -- Casting off pearls -- Soft soap -- The best of times -- Moving the furniture -- Courtship -- Capri pants -- Wednesday nights -- Bad old days -- On the banks of the Ohio -- Never name a duck -- Stumbling -- Sneezing funny -- Nuts -- Unlikely saviors -- Changing of the guard -- Playing to an empty house -- Picturing Mary naked -- Tempest in a bathtub -- Practice makes perfect -- Curtain calls -- Shenanigans -- The last chapter -- Epilogue