Announcements -- Hotline -- Megaphone -- Ideas & opinions -- Robot test -- Genie -- New Year's party -- How I felt -- Socrates's publicist -- Statistics -- Bee sting -- Who I am -- Bugle virtuoso -- Some drawings -- Dad -- Titles -- My band -- Palindromes for specific occasions -- Cat calendar -- Optimist, pessimist, contortionist -- We're pregnant -- Protagonists' hospital -- Rain -- Honors & awards (for which I would qualify) -- Better than sex -- Short stories -- Frustrating uses of etc. -- Charts & graphs -- My diet -- Fortune cookies -- A Christmas carol (the deleted scene) -- WED -- Fruit vendor (diary excerpts) -- Pets (a conversation) -- A cappella group freak accidents -- My checks -- A crossword puzzle -- Sheila -- Products -- A picture (1,000 words) -- Epigrams, fragments & light verse -- One phone call -- More drawings -- My powers -- Human cannonball occupational hazards -- Eulogy -- Flags -- Painted faces -- Some meanings -- Goreburg and Spatz -- Confessions of a white guy with dreadlocks -- Spanish teacher -- Zing! -- Results of your personality test -- More statistics -- Excerpts from my often-true autobiography -- The word awards -- Goodbyes

Featuring narrative essays, short stories, and conceptual pieces (such as "Protagonists' hospital," where doctors treat only the shoulder wounds of Hollywood action heroes) as well as Martin's signature drawings, absurdities, and one-liners, This is a book delivers sharp jokes, colorful characters, and interesting surprises