Why you have what it takes, even if you don't -- Does being a social climber mean I have to become a phony? -- The Wittenborn-Johnson Psychological Aptitude Test for social climbers -- Do I have to ditch my old friends to meet glamorous and exciting new people? -- Test your social climbing IQ -- How to get more out of a cocktail party than a hangover -- Sex and the social climber -- The secrets of being a great guest -- Basic social functions and how to get the most out of them -- Handling hormonally charged events : engagement parties and weddings -- What am I saying yes to? : dating, love, and marriage -- A virtual new you -- Networking : how to win friends, influence people, and use them to turn a profit -- The family that climbs together stays together -- Scenester social climbing -- The AARP climb : why climbing gets easier the older you get, even if you wear Depends -- Riding unicorns and whales -- Mountaineering with the one percent -- Climbing the inner mountain

"Welcome fledging Social Climbers! Allow us to show you the way. Birds do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it, so what's the big deal? You shouldn't be punished for wanting to improve your lot in life! This is America, after all. In the grand tradition of True Prep and The Hipster Handbook, The Social Climber's Bible will teach you everything you need to know to become a pro Mountaineer: The Art of Social Climbing at gallery openings, cocktail parties, and funerals Social Climbing as a family How to handle sex, dating, marriage, and love Your social climbing IQ and how to improve it How to spot a Big Fish, Whale, Turtle or Unicorn, and what they can do for you Johnson & Johnson heiress Jazz Johnson is a lifelong insider in that rarefied world that fans of both Downton Abbey and Gossip Girl dream about. Raconteur Dirk Wittenborn is old enough to remember when sex was safe and cocaine wasn't addictive. In short, Jazz belongs to some of the most exclusive clubs in the world, whereas Dirk has been kicked out of them. Who better to guide you? "--