Introduction: divided we stand (sort of) -- Religion: Georgia, Kentucky, end times, and the rise of KKKristian zombies -- Politics: South Carolina and the seven deadly sins of Southern gub?mit -- Race: Alabama, bigotry, wildman, and the white Spike Lee -- Football: Louisiana state, ESPN, BCS, and the gridiron scourge of the SEC -- Education: Arkansas, Mississippi, and the three R's of modern Southern schools: revenue, resentment, resegregation -- Economics: Florida, Texas, the U.S. military, and fiscal future of secession -- Epilogue: the South's gonna do it again and again and again