Introduction: Why I wrote this book -- The founders and framers: who were those guys? -- Snapshots of life in Philadelphia, 1787 -- Heckling the right wing: their top ten talking points and my top ten comebacks -- God and the Constitution, Part I: Epistle to the Christian Right -- God and the Constitution, Part II: Epistle to the Mormons -- The writing of the Constitution: notes from the Constitutional Convention as recorded by Billey, slave to James Madison, May 6 to September 17, 1787 -- Charles Beard's economic interpretation of the Constitution, Part I: meeting the framers -- Charles Beard's economic interpretation of the Constitution, Part II: following the money -- The chapter of leftovers, Part I -- Open letter to Senator Ted Cruz written in the style of 1787 -- The Constitution according to Ben Carson, MD -- Rewriting the Constitution: Mark Levin and the Asner Amendments -- Immigration and Ann Coulter: a review that was never published in the New York Times Book Review -- The shocking truth about the Bill of Rights -- The Bill of Rights in the real world -- The chapter of leftovers, Part II -- The Emperor has no robes: Justice Antonin Scalia and Citizens United -- Scarier that Scalia: Introducing Justice Clarence Thomas -- What in Hell is a strict constructionist? -- Anonymous letter to certain members of the Supreme Court -- The chapter of leftovers, Part III -- The Second Amendment: Guns and the NRA -- In conclusion -- Appendix: The Constitution of the United States: a transcription